Understand me

I've always been a curious person, and I find myself wanting to understand people to the greatest extent possible. I want to understand others, and I want them to understand me - that just seems like the right way for things to work. If I think I've figured someone out, I'm probably just prejudicing them to my own assumptions about them.

The understanding part though - it's how people are initially attracted to each other though, isn't? - You find someone you want to know better, and you want them to try to understand you better too; from that, you can become friends, lovers or just strangers once more.

This. This is what's had me in knots for the past few weeks. I've been trying to understand someone better recently, and I do think I sort of know what kind of person they are now .. What frustrates me is that it doesn't seem to be reciprocated; as in, they don't seem to really want to know what kind of person I am. So does that make us friends, when it seems kind of one sided? I know that they value me as a friend, but they don't want to know much about me ... It strikes me as odd, and it goes against what I think is normal.

Why are relationships so hard? Friends, family, acquaintances .... they're all so hard.

I don't know if this is weird, but I love hearing about myself from other people's perspectives. I want to know what kind of person they think I am, and what they consider to be my greatest flaws. For the most part, I'm described as cute, friendly and nice (which are all boring words you could use to describe almost everyone I know). One of the mature-age students in my class tells me I'm mature for my age, and another girl who's younger than me calls me her child. There's another friend who's only 2 months older than me, and yet he calls me his little one. I wish I was a person you could describe to be funny (I'm the opposite though) and a people's person (I'm a socially awkward ant). Nonetheless it makes me really happy when people notice little things (or any things, really) about me that I hadn't even thought about before.

Another thing I like is nicknames. You don't give nicknames to everyone you know - because if you did, they wouldn't be special. And I don't mean nicknames as in Liz for Elizabeth; I mean names you make up for each other. They're a rare thing though, especially for someone who gets described as mature. It's not like I mean to be ... it's just that a lot of the times, they're annoying and embarrassing. But true love, don't you ever worry, if anything I'm honoured to be yours (at least until either you or I find our actual true loves hahaha).

boomboom

There aren't all that many things that will instantly make my heart start beating as fast as a hummingbird's wings. But I had a weird moment today. I was just sitting around playing with my dog, when I noticed that I had received a notification from snapchat; so I opened it, and there was a picture of my friend with a random caption about food, and BOOMBOOM, there goes my heart. Is that weird? It's a guy I had a crush on in the past, but I now know that we're just perfect as friends .. and it was truly just one of those random pictures without any meaning or anything. Huh. Made me feel less lonely for a while at least~ :P

Stress → white hair

I've been receiving a lot of stress lately. It began with the study weeks leading up to exams. Then, I had to actually sit the exams. Immediately afterwards, I had an internal debate about whether I should work during the holidays or spend time doing work experience (I chose work in the end because I'm really short of money at the moment). I thought that would be the end of it, but then I got rostered on shifts on our store inspection day AND open for both marathon days this weekend (4am starts on both marathon days!). There have been a few other small things here and there too, but I don't really want to list them. Anywho, it's just been a few stressful weeks, and I haven't really had much of an outlet to rid myself of it. I probably wouldn't have given a second thought about all this if I just hadn't looked in the mirror. Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, and noticed that the amount of white hairs have at least tripled within the year. I'm not sure if the sudden increase is due to genetic factors or stress, but my guess would be that it's a mix of both, with a greater influence from stress than genes. *sigh* I wish I could be like any other normal young person who doesn't have to worry about having all their hair turn white.

On another note, my friend's been trying to hook me up with this korean guy she knows because she thinks we'd be great together. Except that I have never met this guy, or even heard of him ... She eventually convinced me to accept his friend request on facebook and just talk to him. I did. We actually ended up talking for about 2 hours (but it didn't really feel like that long to me because I was sending replies whilst watching my dramas). He seems like a nice person, but I just find this weird. I don't know. I like the idea of chance meetings and coincidences. I don't like being forced into these situations .. and even if I'm not forced into them, it's like there's this ulterior motive, like 'I have to talk to this guy and get to know him, because my friend introduced us in the pretext that we could possibly get together some day and marry and have beautiful kids, so I have to at least try'.

That's it for tonight. It's 8:40, and I really need to get to sleep so that I can wake up some time between 3-3:30am tomorrow for work. *sigh* goodnight everyone

Is this a troll, or did I actually get hit on Oo"

So the other day, I had a weird sort of experience. I was studying at SLQ when I decided to take a lunch break. Holding the bread I had bought in the morning, I went to level 1 and sat in one of the standalone booths that are situated just outside the building...

Me: *munching on bread while going through facebook*
~ white male stranger with bloodshot eyes walks up to me ~
Stranger: What do you think of my pants?
Me: Umm .. they're okay. *goes back to eating*
Stranger: *sits opposite me in booth* What's your name?
Me: Liz..?
Stranger: That cake looks nice. Can I have some?
Me: No.
Stranger: Can I teach you english?
Me: My english is fine.
~ stranger asks all sorts of personal questions which I try to avoid answering ~
Stranger: Are you texting your boyfriend?
Me: No ..
Stranger: Oh, well I think you're attractive.
Me: Thanks?
Stranger: Can I be your boyfriend?
Me: No.
Stranger: Why not?
Me: I don't know you?
Stranger: Well, you're really attractive.
Me: Thanks. *tries eating bread as fast as possible* Aren't you going to the library?
Stranger: I was, but then I saw you.
Me: *finishes eating* I'm going to go now. Bye.
Stranger: Bye! Hope to see you around.

The whole time, I was absolutely creeping out. Maybe if this guy didn't seem so seedy, or had bloodshot eyes, or didn't talk like a creep, or didn't look at me with that "I'm in love" look, this interaction might have been fractionally better. But this was just creepy to the max. Thank god he stayed on level 1 instead of following me up to 3, because if he did, I probably would have been forced to come straight home. Btw I have no idea if this guy was legit, but I hope to god that I never see him again.

Lies

If I were given a book containing every lie that I have told, and have been told by others, I wonder what it would be like to read through them. If they were two separate volumes, which would be thicker? To be honest, I'm not sure which is worse: telling a lie, or being told one. At least if you're on the receiving end of a lie, there's a chance that you'll never discover the truth (no matter how small), and I think the saying that ignorance is bliss is true in many circumstances. On the other hand, giving a lie, personally, is so torturous .. and I think maybe that's why I'm so bad at saying lies. I just feel like it's morally wrong to tell a lie, so when the time comes that I need to, guilt wracks through me and I'm pretty certain it just shows on my face (since the majority of the time, I get caught out). But you know, sometimes in desperate circumstances, you just have to lie; there's no other way around it.

But back to the book. I think it'd be interesting to see what I've lied about. Well, that is, everything aside from the excuses I've given to teachers about late homework and absences and whatnot. I guess most of the lies would have been directed towards my parents; "no, I did not just come home from meeting my (ex)bf", "yes, I have been studying like a good daughter", "no, I don't drink alcohol", etc etc. I wonder how many people have picked up on one of my lies and never said anything about it? There's only two truths about me that I will do anything to conceal; one is something I am terribly ashamed of, and the other is just something I'm embarrassed about. The rest of me is .. well, I might be reluctant to admit to a few things in fear of being judged, but for the most part, I could probably tell my close friends anything else about myself.

Maybe I should start recording every single lie I tell each day in my diary. It'd be interesting, for sure. In fact, I'm going to start it tonight! No matter how small the lie, I'm going to try to record each and every one.

Semester 2 timetable

I am really not pleased with my semester 2 timetable. Well, Monday to Thursday is actually pretty good. It's just Friday which bugs me, because 1) there's no break throughout the day, and 2) each class is in a different building. The first 2103doh lab is in our new building (G40), the next 2015msc lecture is practically on the other side of campus (G30), then we have to walk BACK to G40, and finally head over to G17 for our final lecture. It just doesn't make sense. I'm not pleased with the fact that 2015doh (a DOH SUBJECT) isn't in the new dental building. Like seriously. Griffith needs to get its shit together =="

feeling a tad lonely

After talking for weeks on end to my friend about wanting to go on a Melbourne or Sydney trip during the upcoming holidays, a trip is finally happening! Except that I'm not invited, even though it seems that pretty much everyone else is. :(

I guess it's understandable .. because there are two mini groups going, the clubbing group (just guys) and the eating group (everyone else), and I suppose I'm not really all that close to the people who organized the eating group's trip. But still, it seems that everyone I know in the coast was invited except me. Yesterday, while I was out with a couple of friends, they kept bringing it up, and I mean I'm glad they're not going out of their way to keep it a secret from me because that'd probably make me feel worse, but they don't need to constantly talk about it while I'm around, you know? Then later in the day, we met up with another friend, and when she asked me why I wasn't going, I just told her it was because I wasn't invited. Then, she invited me, but she probably only did that because it was the polite thing to do, and not because anyone actually wanted me there on the trip.

It makes me sad that I still feel like the outsider. Well, I still am the outsider, clearly. haaa .. I was planning a camping trip, but now I just don't really want to. I mean, after coming back from Melbourne, who's going to want to go camping? They probably won't be bothered, and no one'll have any money either to buy supplies to go camping with. Plus, they're all sort of high rollers .. haha who wants to get dirty camping.

I just want to go dig myself a hole and not have to see anyone :(

First impressions

Never have I been a good judge of character. I've never stuck to my first impressions of friends, and now that I know each of them better, I actually find it hard to imagine why I thought of them the way I did initially.

I think when I meet someone for the first time, I tend to see the worst in them before I see the good. For example, I thought my best guy friend was a total fob loser the first time I saw him, and I thought my best girl friend was just another snobby asian. I also thought that this one guy I know was just some bogan asian who spoke crudely all the time, and he turned out to be one of the most caring guys I know. I mean, we're not real close or anything, but he always looks out for me and makes sure I'm comfortable, and he watches what he says to me (like he might call some guy the c-word in front of me, but he would never use such language towards me).

I'm trying to stop judging people based on my first impression of them. When I meet people now, I just try to keep an open mind. I always thought I was quite open, but I guess I wasn't .. not really. Nowadays, I just try not to form too big of an opinion of anyone until I've held a proper conversation or two with them. That's good, right? :)

On a side note ... oh gosh, I have literally just been eating and eating all week. And this is coming from a person who said they'd eat minimally, exercise as much as possible, and drink a dam full of water a week. *sigh* I wish there was an easy way to lose weight.. :( I've put on so much weight that I can barely recognize myself. It's so hard finding decent clothes to wear, and I've pretty much just been rotating between a couple of shirts and the same pair of pants for every day of the week, pretty much since .. forever. I need to stop making excuses to myself and just do it! *sighhhhhhh*

I think I know what I'm doing with my life career-wise. But it's everything else that makes me feel like I'm a sinking ship. Sinking, because I don't feel the suffocation one would when they're drowning in sorrow, or heartbreak, or anything like that; sinking, because I feel helpless a lot, and I don't know how to get myself out of this state; sinking, just constantly sinking.

I don't think I would describe myself to be a sad person. But I don't exactly think I'm happy or content with life the way it is right now either. It's weird. I'm not sure why I get this feeling of helplessness. Or why I feel like I'm sinking. I just know that something's not quite right.

Just for a short time, I want to get away. Funny though, aren't I? I want to spend my days alone, roaming foreign cities, and yet at the same time, I want to go on an adventure with my close friends, and just talk with them all day and all night. I want to spend every aching second lying in bed by myself, reading a book and sipping some coffee, but at the same time, I want to spend every waking moment surrounded by the people I love, just sitting together, perhaps not even talking. I love my alone time; I also love my friends. Both of these things make me happy.

But then. That makes me think of my close friends .. and I realize that where I would want to include certain people in all of my adventures, I'm not one of the people that they would think of to include in their own journeys. And so. I fall into some sort of sadness, because I want to be a person that you might miss. I think I say "I've missed you" or "I miss you" a lot. Not excessively; but I find that I do miss the company of certain people, especially since I usually see the same people each week. But ... aside from my exes  and close girl friends, people don't usually say something like that to me. I guess I'm not someone people usually think about .. and when you don't see someone, and don't think about them, there's no reason for you to miss them. So there you go. I'm not a person worthy of being missed. That makes me sad.

Most of all though, I think I'm just lonely. I'm tired of trying to talk to people who won't listen to what I have to say. I'm also weary of always texting people, expecting to have to wait at least a few hours for a reply, or never receiving a response at all. Maybe I'm a boring person to talk to. Couldn't people just tell me they're busy or something so that I can stop waiting on them?

Fuuuuuu- Why am I always so dramatic? I beat myself up a little inside, every time I write a post. I know this is how I feel, but I don't like writing it down. It feels necessary though, for blogging seems as good a method as any to let pieces of myself out. *sigh* I think I should start counting the number of times I sigh in a day. Lately I feel like sighing is my most common action.

Yahoo, two days from now I will be almost stress free because I'll have handed in my assignment and completed my oral bio mid-sem exam! Time to get crack-a-lackin' with the assignment now then !

I hate making headings

I wonder if what I think about on a day-to-day basis is anything like what anyone else might think about. During my prosthetic technology labs (which equates to roughly 24 hours per week) when I'm not talking to my friends, I have a lot of time to think. So I usually think mostly about myself and hypothetical situations I'd hate/love to be placed in.

Recently, I've got to admit that my hypothetical situations have been sort of out of whack though. I've been imagining lots of scenarios that are realistic (as in no aliens, talking animals, winning the lotto, and whatever other retarded non-realistic thing you can think of), ideal for me, but also impossible to occur. *sighhhh*

Okay, so I'm going on a bit of a tangent here, because I can't be bothered to continue on my thoughts on my thoughts (lol). I used to believe that "being out of someone's league" didn't exist. I thought that you should be able to like anyone without thinking that, but now I think that maybe that's just because I was used to getting attention, and if someone liked me, or I liked someone else, that was the end of that. Believe what you want, but I guess I was a pretty popular kid with the boys back in the day.

Now, in the present, in this body, in this mind, Liz is so out of anyone's league. Okay, so I think of my friends. Namely the guys that I get to see often, and I think ... These guys are such amazing people, and I could never tell any of them that I liked them (if I did) because they are just so out of my league. Like, it's not even worth considering, because if I am in this league, then they would be in this league. Does that make sense? It's like we're from different planets. I look up to all four of them so much that if I disappoint any one of them, I would just feel like I've committed one of the biggest crimes possible.

I wish I could be in level with my friends. I don't really have the brains, the looks, the money, or even the personality.. If someone asked me to (honestly) describe myself, I'd say I'm relatively nice, and mostly boring. Super quiet. The things I think about seem so stupid, especially since they can/will never occur, so it's just like I'm wasting my time, and everyone else's space.

How did this post turn into another depressing post? *sighhhh* See what writing does to me? It brings out my worst, most brutally honest feelings.

I'm so curious about who actually reads my blog. Since I started posting a few days ago, I've been getting about 40 hits per day according to Blogger, and I thought it was maybe because I kept writing something, then clicking 'view blog', but as it turns out, the hit counter doesn't rise when I view my own blog. Soooo either there are a heck of a lot of randoms coming across my blog, or someone's coming to check really often ..

This is super random, but I've decided that I'm going to try to stop/reduce how often I use emoticons in my texts. I use the following extremely often: Oo", ><, ><", +__+, ==", :D/D:/:P. I think that my texts sound too serious if I don't use them, but that's probably only because I've become so reliant on them to be able to convey my expressions across. From now on, I'm going to keep them to a minimum. I've done this before, and I eventually just got used to texting without them (without having to consciously think about leaving them out). I have no idea why I started to use them again. Well, 'tis the time for me to stop once again!

Headache ..

I have the worst headache, but it's not one of those ones that make it hard to think. No, I can think just fine, and it doesn't make me tired/sleepy. BUT every time I turn/bang my head, touch it in the wrong way, or lean back against my chair (and my head rests on the chair), I just get this localized pain on the back of my head, and it's killing me! Usually when I study, I'll read a paragraph, and then I'll sit back and try to recite it to myself and maybe even pretend to teach it to an imaginary person, but I just can't do that with this throbbing pain. It definitely wasn't this bad in the morning; this morning, I could hit myself in the spot (that currently aches) and I wouldn't feel anything .. Now, I turn my head just a little, and it's like BOOM, like a cannon went off at the back of my head. *sigh* Please go away soon ..

ANOTHER rant, but about a younger Liz

Fourth post for the night, oh dear, there is some MAJOR procrastination going on here! I promise I wasn't planning on writing anything more, but I just had to, because I'll probably forget exactly what I'm feeling right now.

So, I have this secret other blog that I made purely to write ONE post in. It was about a person in my past, and I remember thinking to myself at the time, "I'll write this today, so that one day I may look back at it and realize how stupid I was for feeling this way". I was really upset at the time, and I think I cried quite often in this period of time. I'm obviously not going to reveal the blog post, because it's just extremely personal, especially since there was nothing I wanted to hide from myself while writing it. But can I just say (and although I don't swear often, I think this occasion calls for a good cussing):

Fuck, FUCK LIZ. I honestly can't believe how unbelievably childish I was. In my defense, I was young(er) when I wrote it, but I just. You know what I was doing? I wrote questions, and knew the answers to each one, but I thought I was being honest in my questions and lying in my answers. I still do. The thing with writing is that it helps me organize my thoughts and understand myself better, but it doesn't help me change who I am, or get over things easier, or take anything away from me.

Have you ever heard that saying, "you should never regret anything in life, because at one point, it was exactly what you wanted" (or something like that). Well, you see, maybe it was exactly what you wanted then, but it sure as hell doesn't mean that it isn't something that I wouldn't take away from my life if I had the option to now. It's like telling a smoker with lung cancer to never regret that first inhale of a cigarette - because, you know dude, that's totally what you wanted then, so you should just accept that fact now and live with it? Argh

It's funny, how emotional you can feel while writing one thing, and read it later feeling completely detached to the post - like you're reading about someone else's life. Well, that's how I felt while I read the stupid post. It's probably how I'll feel if/when I decide to read through the countless emails I wrote to myself (as a means of keeping a journal) in the past.

Just to clarify about me

This is my third post for the night, but I just wanted to add something: I've come to realize that some (okay, maybe a lot) of my posts make me sound like a whinging, whining, and annoying person who absolutely hates herself, but ... Well, I was going to say that I don't hate myself (and I'll totally admit that I am whingy, whiny and annoying). But there are many, many things that I hate about myself. In the end though, I guess I don't actually hate my whole being. It's just that I tend to think more about my negative aspects, because they're so much clearer in my mind than what's good in me. I could write about how amazing of a person I am too, but that would probably take 2 hours per blog post because I'd have to think for a loooong time, AND it would come out narcissistic and snobby, which is why I refrain from doing so. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not totally sad all the time - just a little down on my bad days.

Being one-sided in things

I hate it when things feel/become one-sided. For example, with certain people, I feel like I always have to initiate contact first, even if it's as simple as sending texts to them. Up to that point things are okay ... but when it takes someone forever to reply to my texts (or don't ever reply at all), it just makes me wonder if I'm a nuisance to them - like "Oh, Liz texted me, it's probably nothing important so I'll just never text her back". It especially irks me when said people claim that we're close.. I just don't see how hard it is to send a quick reply. Most people should probably know by now that I don't really like phone calls .. I'd prefer to either text/skype or talk in person. But like, that's not the only instance where I get annoyed/upset at one-sided aspects of a relationship.

I also hate when I'm with someone I don't see too often, and instead of paying attention to us, they're just on their phone the whole time, either texting or playing games. Can't you just put your phone down for a minute? I get that you need to talk to people and stuff, but just give it a break? I mean, I'd understand with people like Paul, because I see him every day and obviously I'm used to him and his phone habits, but for people that I meet once in a while, this gets really annoying because you're just putting it out there that, no, I'm not worth your time.

To be honest, it's just mainly the close-people-taking-forever-to-reply thing that gets to me. Because I want to have a conversation, but they're just not replying .. so .. what do I do ? Am I just over-thinking this, or what? It's not even like I'm complaining about the space of 5 minutes. Think more between the lines of 2 hours to a day. So my text convos will be like this:

Me: *texts at 8pm*
Them: *texts back the next day*
Me: *responds as soon as they reply, because I have my phone on me 24/7*
Them: *doesn't text back for another 3 or 4 hours*

It gets tiring, thinking about why people just don't respond to my texts. Maybe everyone's just busy, and I should get busy with my life too. *sigh*

*shuts down emotional brain*

*full power study brain*

end rant

Random thoughts/my day

Today, I had a great day! I began my day at 5am, and I actually woke up from the pouring rain, which was louder than the sound of my alarm! It was pitch black and super cold, but I had to get up for work. Not only did I get to work with my favourite crew people, but my shift also got extended from 5 hours → 8!!! Yahoo, the extra hours almost make up for the hours lost in next week's roster.

On my lunch break/after work, I managed to get some study done~ I guess once I really get my head into oral bio, it's not so bad ... It just bogs me that there's so much content to go over in so little time - like, what am I going to do?! I'll probably have to go to bed at 12am for the next few days :( Ahh I hate losing sleep, because I become such a grumpy person, and honestly, my whole body/mind feels so exhausted that it becomes hard to think. BUT for the sake of oral bio, I guess I'll have to give up some sleep .. :(

So anyway, I did a lot of thinking at work today. Usually I'd be preoccupied with stocking things up, cleaning, serving customers, etc, but due to the rain, we only had a handful of customers between 7-9am, and so I just sat on a bench and thought. About me, mostly. And as a result, I have reached a few conclusions about myself:

• I am actually a terribly judgmental person (but that doesn't affect my image of my close friends). I see things, I judge, but that's the end of it. Unless it concerns me, it doesn't change who/what someone is to me.
• I'm not very good at sorting my own feelings out. Which is perhaps why I'm so weakly opinionated, I don't know. And it often means that when it comes to guys, I can never be sure whether I'm just crushing on someone, or if I actually like them, until it's over. Over meaning feelings completely gone, or over as in, it's no longer a crush, it's a relationship. It also often means that I don't know what I want. This makes me upset, because to me, it seems like a very pathetic personality trait.
• And this is just something small for the few people who still bother to check up on my blog (that I would probably be too shy to say in real life for fear that you'd tease me, or try to get more out of me XD ): Today, my thoughts wandered to a certain someone, and I (unexpectedly) got butterflies in my tummy, and at the time I thought it was just because of my upcoming exam and assignments that are due, but I thought about them again just then, and I got butterflies AGAIN (but I was also simultaneously thinking about my exam/assignments) so GAH! fml if you ask me who it is, I probably won't be able to hide it because I suck at lying (like, really, gah I wish I could pull off a poker face) .. so anyways, my point is, don't ask me about it! >< hahah
• And I have a really horrible habit of beginning sentences with the word 'and'. In high school essays, commentaries, etc, I was always careful never to do that. But (and if you haven't noticed, I also start lots of sentences with but, so, anyways, and anywho/how) for some reason, it's just become inherent in my conversational speech. Oh noeeessssssss :(

Yeah, so, that's my day so far. I guess you can expect more frequent updates on here again. It's just. This used to be my venue to write to myself; and then it was a place to write things so that Tommy could read them (because I wanted to keep him updated, but we didn't/don't actually talk very often); and now ... Now, I'm not sure what it is. But I don't think it matters so much .. I think that it's just nice to write here again, even if my grammar/spelling/whatnot sucks, and the content is uber boring. I think it just sort of helps me organize myself. :)

Rant

This week has been so stressful, and it is entirely my fault.
1. I haven't started on my assignment that's due next Thursday.
2. I haven't been studying very hard for the extremely difficult oral bio exam, which is also next Thursday.
3. I've been a horrible friend who tried to guilt-trip other friends into doing something that they didn't want to do.
4. As a result of being slightly tipsy + no. 3, I ended up crying - which sort of added to my stresses.
5. I've been paranoid because people haven't been replying to my texts, and don't know if it's because I offended them, they don't think I'm worth replying to, I said something wrong, etc etc
6. My friend has been going through hardships, and it all seemed to come down on him in this past one week, but I have no idea what to say to him because I suck at giving advice (if I were someone else, I would never come to me for advice either). Even though he's good at putting up a front and acting like he's all fine, I can't help but be super worried about him.

Far out :( I know I haven't really been through anything, but I think my lack of sleep and built-up stresses are just catching up to me, and I've been feeling down all week. Usually my mood lifts when I'm around other people, but I just feel like I've been lowering other people's moods when I'm around them lately instead. I just want to feel happy for no reason again.. *sigh*

respond goddamnit

I hate it when you've sent a text to someone which obviously needs a response, and the said person doesn't reply, even though you're 80% certain that they've read the text! This is super annoying because it happens on a regular basis. Do people just not want to reply to my texts or something? :(

Coward

I think of myself to be a pretty good person overall. I try to get along with people, and although I'm not the most generous or selfless person on the planet, I don't think I'm all that much different from anyone else. One thing that's different about me (from most people I know) is that I have this need to impress people.

Being a person who feels the need to have a good image to other people, I constantly think about how my actions will reflect me as a person, and worry about what other people might think of me. I want people to like me, and I want good things to be said of me. My close friends tell me that people only say good things about me, but that reassurance only goes so far, because I know people who have told other friends the exact same thing, only to hear them bitching behind said person's back. I know that it's hard to say the truth sometimes, but I would hope that my close friends at least are honest with me, especially since I do try my hardest to be honest with them as well (and if I can't tell the truth, I usually just refuse to say anything at all).

You know what the worst thing is though? I don't like the person that I am at all. I spend all this time trying to make other people like me, when I don't even like myself. I think it's true that you usually know your own flaws better than anyone else, but I just think mine are so tremendously obvious, that I can't imagine how anyone could ever like someone like me.

I want to change myself, but that's not easy. If I make a conscious effort to change myself, will I end up as a different Liz, or the same old Liz who pretends to be someone else?

Does it make me an even sadder person if I want to change myself for another person as much as it is for my benefit?

Birthday presents /rambling

I have neglected my blog for too long. Well, I just haven't felt like writing this year; not really. I've been posting short messages on Tumblr, but that's about it. Okay, so, I'm just going to start writing random things and let me think on screen to myself.

So. My friend's birthday was just last week (it feels like it's been at least a year since then already) and he just had a small gathering, which was a nice change from parties with 20+ people. Unfortunately, his birthday present didn't arrive on time (poor planning on my part), and due to the easter holiday weekend, there have been further delays in the shipment, so I'm still waiting for it to arrive.

So. For the first time this year, I have managed to buy a present on my own! In the past, I have almost always purchased a separate gift for my close friends, but this year that just hasn't been happening. Let me think ...

Rob: I was originally going to chip into the subwoofer, which was the big group present, but at the last minute, one of my friends asked if I wanted to chip into an iPad keyboard instead, and I agreed, simply because it would just be me and 2 other friends chipping into that gift, whereas there were 10+ people chipping in to the subwoofer. I figured Rob would probably remember who chipped into the keyboard better than the subwoofer. Is that sort of selfish? Wanting to be remembered? Anyhow.

Rossie: I wanted to get her my own birthday present (I've never chipped into a group gift for Rossie), and was planning on buying her some T2 tea. On the day I planned to purchase her present though, I happened to meet up with two friends; one who was close to her, and one who wasn't. The one who was close to her had previously asked if I wanted to chip into a stethoscope, and I told him I'd think about it. Butttttt he took that as a 'yes', so I sort of had no choice to chip into the stethoscope (along with a few other close friends of ours). But I still wanted to get Rossie something separate, you know? We've been friends for 9 years now I think? And I just wanted something more personal. So I went shopping for my tea, and the non-close friend asked if he could chip in. Because the stethoscope was meant to be kept a secret, I agreed in the end, and the other friend ended up chipping in too. So it was sort of weird. My friend and I were chipping into two separate (small) group gifts, which seemed stupid to me. I guess we weren't left with much choice though.

Paul: So for Paul, once again I was planning to get my own gift, but I happened to be with another close friend the day I went shopping. She saw a nice pair of Toms shoes, so we just got him that as his gift.

Esther: Oh. So I did get her my own gift, but she took a picture of what she wanted, and I got it for her. There was no thinking involved, it was just a practical gift. I think that's the way most of my gifts are; sentimental or expensive/practical. Actually they're usually pretty expensive (considering we're uni students) but it just never seemed to matter - because they're my close friends, and the money I spend once a year on them isn't anything close to even one billionth of their worth to me.

And Jonno: Well, I'm sure no one reads my blog any more, but just in case, I won't write what it is. Because, you know, it hasn't arrived yet, like I said earlier in the post. Well, I thought long and hard about what to get him. I DID buy a hoodie for him, but it really didn't meet my standards/expectations, and so I sort of just gave it to him. Not as a gift, but just .. something on the side. That's it. I wanted to get him shoes, but realized that someone had given him a pair the previous year, and it seemed like the easy way out. I wanted to get him clothes, but being the fashionista that he is, I thought I'd probably pick some horrendous piece of clothing that he would hate. And cologne seemed silly since I gave him Joop cologne 2 years ago. I almost ended up chipping into a gift with the other guys, but they were just going to take him shopping and let him pick something nice for himself. That didn't seem fair because, while Jonno may have found something nice for himself, no thought whatsoever was put into that gift, and Jonno is definitely worth more than that. Well actually, I think the guys did think about it, and they thought it was a thoughtful gift because it means Jonno could get something he actually wants. *sigh* Maybe I'm the wrong/weird one here. I guess the amount of thought you put into a gift just translates differently from person to person.

Anyway, in the end, I found something. On my own (sort of). And I got it myself. So I guess I'm proud of myself for that.

Oh wow, now it's time to have dinner. Next time I blog, I'll write the highlights of my year so far :)

$$$

I just woke up to the best piece of information, ever!!!!! I checked my payslip (the first payslip I've received since my birthday) and discovered that my wage went up from $15.28/hour to $17.97!!!!! Holy moly, that's amazing.