I think I know what I'm doing with my life career-wise. But it's everything else that makes me feel like I'm a sinking ship. Sinking, because I don't feel the suffocation one would when they're drowning in sorrow, or heartbreak, or anything like that; sinking, because I feel helpless a lot, and I don't know how to get myself out of this state; sinking, just constantly sinking.

I don't think I would describe myself to be a sad person. But I don't exactly think I'm happy or content with life the way it is right now either. It's weird. I'm not sure why I get this feeling of helplessness. Or why I feel like I'm sinking. I just know that something's not quite right.

Just for a short time, I want to get away. Funny though, aren't I? I want to spend my days alone, roaming foreign cities, and yet at the same time, I want to go on an adventure with my close friends, and just talk with them all day and all night. I want to spend every aching second lying in bed by myself, reading a book and sipping some coffee, but at the same time, I want to spend every waking moment surrounded by the people I love, just sitting together, perhaps not even talking. I love my alone time; I also love my friends. Both of these things make me happy.

But then. That makes me think of my close friends .. and I realize that where I would want to include certain people in all of my adventures, I'm not one of the people that they would think of to include in their own journeys. And so. I fall into some sort of sadness, because I want to be a person that you might miss. I think I say "I've missed you" or "I miss you" a lot. Not excessively; but I find that I do miss the company of certain people, especially since I usually see the same people each week. But ... aside from my exes  and close girl friends, people don't usually say something like that to me. I guess I'm not someone people usually think about .. and when you don't see someone, and don't think about them, there's no reason for you to miss them. So there you go. I'm not a person worthy of being missed. That makes me sad.

Most of all though, I think I'm just lonely. I'm tired of trying to talk to people who won't listen to what I have to say. I'm also weary of always texting people, expecting to have to wait at least a few hours for a reply, or never receiving a response at all. Maybe I'm a boring person to talk to. Couldn't people just tell me they're busy or something so that I can stop waiting on them?

Fuuuuuu- Why am I always so dramatic? I beat myself up a little inside, every time I write a post. I know this is how I feel, but I don't like writing it down. It feels necessary though, for blogging seems as good a method as any to let pieces of myself out. *sigh* I think I should start counting the number of times I sigh in a day. Lately I feel like sighing is my most common action.