My ultimate fear

Do you know what the one thing is that will bring me crumbling down to nothing in a matter of seconds? Something that's scarier than any rollercoaster or horror movie ever to be made.. Insects and spiders - particularly if they're within a few metres of myself and are huge. A few moments ago, I went to the kitchen to grab myself a glass of water, and I almost fainted. There, next to the kitchen sink, was a huge cockroach. In that moment, a million thoughts began to run through my mind; "Do I catch it? If I stand still, will it think I'm not there and run away? What if it flies into my face as I try to catch it?" And after being frozen, unable to move for some time, I finally decided to catch it.

Suddenly, it started to move, as if sensing that it's death was coming nearer. The scurrying of its hairy legs sent my heart beating 1000x the speed it beat when I experienced high ropes at camp in grade 8. I stood still, wondering what to do, when it suddenly started running like crazy, and I lost sight of it. I'm still haunted, at this second, by the horrid thought of seeing it before it's caught by someone.

Natasha Bedingfield

The first song I ever heard of Natasha Bedingfield's was 'These Words' which is posted above. I first heard it on Rage TV in 2004, which was when I was just 10 years old, and ever since then I've absolutely loved Natasha Bedingfield. She's definitely (and unfortunately) one of the most underrated artists, and that's a fact. I was originally going to post the song 'Little Too Much', but I began listening to a stream of her songs, and found myself constantly repeating 'Soulmate' .. so here it is, along with lyrics underneath.



Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Unbelievable

It's almost funny when I slowly turn back the ticking clock inside my mind and revisit myself once more through photographs and posts I've written. Not just on my blog, but from all other possible aspects and places - places that I wouldn't have imagined to stumble upon by chance. No, it's always the same places I turn to, and I'm faced each time with an overwhelming sense of surprise, regret and occasionally relief. With each word of mine that I read, I would be filled with such passion, and for each photo I viewed which was either saved or posted, I was struck with the indelible memories and emotions attached; in other words, I was so sincere in every single little thing I did and said that I would be taken aback by this young teen's life - me. And then it all comes crashing down at once - the result of every action, the consequences I've faced, the countless breath-taking epiphanies I've come across, the subtle changes in myself, new-found hobbies, the happiness, the pain - reality. Reality of what is; reality of what will be; reality of what never could have been. But you know what? It doesn't matter.

Being so serious with life - I think that's possibly the worst thing I could have done to myself. How I morphed from a baby, immediately into this current being, I don't even know. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe it's not too late .. but of course it's too late. Once you're used to behaving in a certain manner, you don't particularly want to change the foundation of your being, do you? Well, I don't. And then I form these thoughts - the fact that I'm thinking like this, *laughs* you're still a baby. The same pattern of thoughts circles my mind, until I finally conclude to  myself that it doesn't matter that I'm a child or an adult. Who cares how I'm labelled or classified? It's not really of importance, as long as you're just yourself, right?

On a side note, this lack of guys who are not completely in my friends zone is so depressing. What a boring I life I'm living right now..

그대는 아시나요..

그대는 아시나요
사랑은 가슴이 아닌 눈으로 보인다는 걸
그래서 사랑이 보이지 않을 땐 눈에서 눈물이 흐른다는 걸

그대는 아시나요
사랑은 손이 아닌 눈으로 만져진다는 걸
그래서 사랑은 멀리서 바라볼 수만 있어도 행복해진다는 걸

그대는 아시나요
사랑은 머릿속이 아닌 기억 속에 저장된다는 걸
그래서 사랑은 머릿속에서 지우려 노력하면
기억 속에서 더 또렷하게 떠오른다는 걸

그대는 아시나요
제가 당신을 사랑하는 일은
제 선택이 아닌 하늘의 선택이었다는 걸
저는 당신을 사랑할 수밖에 없었고
그것은 하늘에서 내려준 저의 숙제였다는 것을……

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