Regret

Okay I really should be doing my TOK presentation, since it's due tomorrow...

But I remembered this quote I read on Soompi not long ago. It was "You shouldn't regret anything you did in the past, because at one point in time it was exactly what you wanted". So I'm trying not to regret. I'm moving on, slowly as I am, trying to become who I was before him. If we talked I'm not sure what I would say to him. But I guess maybe I will add him again. I really don't know what I'd say. Honestly. But I guess I'm curious. I don't think I like Jiwon simply for being that person who took Joe as soon as I let him go. Because he fell for her. Because he likes her. Perhaps more than he ever liked me.

Well

That's all in the past now.

I guess that's all I really wanted to say. I really wish I had someone to say all this to. I want to tell Solomon and yet.. something's holding me back. My mind is telling me not to tell Solomon every little thing that I think about. Because as much as I want to rely on him, what I'm really afraid of is the fact that one day I'll realize that he's not real and he's just some stranger from the internet. Because I want everything to be real. I want to be real.

Such a fool.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a hellish 2 weeks; exam block. Yet I'm still thinking about Joe, and whether I should just give up. I remember every single promise we made, every one that was and wasn't kept. I remember we promised not to let each other go; I remember giving him permission to hold onto me even if I pushed him away, and vice versa.

I'm wondering if perhaps I should wait, or if I should do something to keep him. It feels like although he's with Jiwon.. there's still just a spark of hope left for me. Maybe, he still loves me.. Maybe he doesn't really love Jiwon. What if he does? He wouldn't right? He's the one that so strongly believed that love doesn't fade. I still do believe that. But I'm not sure whether he still believes it or not. And that worries me. It feels like I'll never get him back. I want Joe to come back to me..

I'm going to write him a letter. Yes. At futureme.org. And then I'm going to try and forget about him.

I hate it when people underestimate me.

Blogsecret

This is what someone wrote on Tumblr..
One called BlogSecret, where people post their secrets online, kind of like PostSecret. And it seems this person is my clone =]

1729.) When you told me you loved me, i really thought you meant it. And i thought you were different. I needed you more than you will ever know, you made me happiest when i was lowest. And now i'm back to point A. i miss you and i won't forget how you made me feel. Too bad you've forgotten already.

Tsk Tsk

I should be studying. And yet here I am. Third consecutive blog in a row in one night all in the period of 10 minutes. Ish. Meh.

Why I deleted you

The reason I deleted you is simple.. As you can probably tell from my post below, I still love you. And I don't want to ruin your relationship with Jiwon in any way.. I don't want to have a dent in it, I don't even want to make so much as a mark as a feather could make. That's why. Because maybe with this girl.. She'll treat you properly like a real wifey should =]

I Love You

I love you 사랑한다는
이말밖에는 해줄 말이 없네요
I love you 의미 없는 말이 됐지만 사랑해요

이제와서 무슨 소용 있겠어요
다신 볼 수 없는 이별인데
돌이킬 수 없는 걸 잘 알고 있지만
어떻게든 그대 잡아 두고 싶은걸
우~우~우~

이세상 아니라도 언젠가
우리다시 만날텐데
눈물 한방울도 보여선 안되겠죠

사랑에 빠지게 만들었던
미소로 날 떠나요
그 미소 하나로 언제라도
그대를 찾아낼 수 있게

I love you 기억하나요
처음 그대에게 느낀 그떨림

I love you 오랜후에서야
내게 해준 그대 한마디
우리사랑 안될거라 생각했죠
너무나도 아름다웠기에

돌아서려 했었던 내 앞에 그대는
꿈만같은 사랑으로 다가 왔었죠
우~우~우~

이세상 아니라도
언젠가 우리다시 만날텐데
눈물 한방울도 보여선 안되겠죠

사랑에 빠지게 만들었던
미소로 날 떠나요
그 미소 하나로 언제라도
그대를 찾아낼 수 있게

언젠가 우리 다시 만나면
약속 하나만 해요
이렇게 아프게
너무 쉽게 헤어질 사랑하진 마요

That, above, is exactly how I'm feeling.
Tonight, I deleted Joe off my account.
Why? I suppose it's because.. it's too hard to face the fact that he's not there for me anymore. He's become a person. A friend. But that's too hard. I love him. I remember I once said a long time ago, in a moment of Joe's insecurity, that love does not fade. And I stand strong at that point. Joe accused me of my words several times.. but love doesn't fade. I still love him. I always will.

I have to admit it really hurt when he took it so easily when I told him that I would be deleting him off my account. When he asked why, I said that I was incapable of being his friends. No further questions asked. He said okay. And he said goodbye. I don't even know what I was expecting.. For him to beg me not to delete him? No, I'm not stupid. I guess I was hoping that he would have enough will power for the both of us to remain friends.. And so I'm taking the easy way out.. I'm erasing Joe from my life slowly, one little step at a time. No I won't ever forget him. But I sure as hell will try. Because I want to get back on track again, into my life. Not ours.. it's just mine now. The first step is to delete him off facebook.. Why is this so hard?

I don't understand

I don't know where I stand.

I know I exaggerate in my blogs, and the purpose for that is so that I can remember later.

But I guess sometimes it's better not to remember.

Like, for instance, I would like this WHOLE period in time right now .. to just remain as a dot in my memory.

Maybe later I'd like to remember..

But right now.. I just.. want it to fade.

No.

I know I've made plenty enough mistakes and I know that I'm often stupid. But sometimes I just can't help it. It's like there's something eating away at me.. I can't seem to let go. So once again I logged into Joseph's email account because I was curious. And I saw that he had written a lengthy email to Solomon.

I felt guilty as I opened it, prying in on his now private life.

Oh what a mistake I made.

I thought, that for a second as I read the email that maybe this was Joe's message to me.. He still loves me. And as I neared the end of the email, I came to a realization that it was truly over. Oh, what a fool I am.

Are you reading this now Joe?

I really hope you're not.

Because I feel like a fucked up bitch who's screwed herself over and over again.

It seems that the only times I actually feel something is when I think of you. I remember how you called me numb a few nights ago. For a while, I denied it, but I think it's true. I don't feel emotions. Or rather, I don't feel the emotions that I'd like to.

It all seems so pointless. This hope - why do I even carry it? I have no right to; and yet, I can't seem to be able to let it go. Maybe it's because it has been there for so long.

Sometimes, I wonder.. Am I still loving you on my own?

I wish I could get into a car crash and develop amnesia.. and not be able to remember anything. I guess that'd kind of be like a reset button to my life. I wonder how that would feel.

내 마음

네미시스의 'Boy Meet Girl' 노래인데.. 꼭 내 마음안에있는 말을 다 꺼내버린것같아..

눈 부신 태양 햇살 아래 틀에 갇힌 일상을 피해
너와 함께 떠나는 것 이런게 정말 행복이라고 느껴

넓은 해변가 모래 위에 우리 이름을 아로 새겨
영원히 함께란 수줍은 약속 손가락 걸며 웃음짓지

어느새 저문 저녁노을에 조심스레 입맞춤하고
붉게 물든 네 두 뺨에는 한없이 행복한 눈물

Love you 사랑해요 우리 함께해요 나의 가슴속엔 온통 너 뿐야
내 품에 기대요 나를 믿고 다라요 그 어떤 것들도 두렵진 않아

내게 약속해요 지금 잡은 두 손 평생 놓지말고 함께하자고
힘들고 지쳐도 너만 있으면 언제나 행복할테니

하늘을 담은 푸른 바다에 너와 나의 사랑도 담고
우리 함께 한 이 여름은 추억이 되어 웃겠지

Love you 사랑해요 우리 함께해요 나의 가슴속엔 온통 너 뿐야
내 품에 기대요 나를 믿고 다라요 그 어떤 것들도 두렵진 않아

내게 약속해요 지금 잡은 두 손 평생 놓지말고 함께하자고
힘들고 지쳐도 너만 있으면 언제나 행복할테니

I pray 알고 있죠 그대라는 선물 두번 다신 내게 없을거라고

언젠가 우리가 눈감을 때도 항상 내 곁에 있어줘

돼게슬프지..? 하.. 내 마음이 이러다니..

I love you.

Joseph Park, I love you. I always have, I still do, and I always will.

Dear Someone

Last night, when I said those words to you.. I was hoping that.. maybe, just MAYBE you would sense that second meaning underlying those already deep words. I was hoping.. *sigh* Forget it. It's of no use. Even if you did sense it, I doubt you would have said anything.. and no feelings or emotions or words would be reciprocated back. And no matter how much I hope for those words to be said back to me, it's of no use simply because. I know you won't. It's a fact. How.. sad. I wish there was even just the slight possibility. I hope that after some time you're able to use that word again.. 'love'. Love is such a powerful word. To hear it from you would mean the world to me. Not even in the lovers way. I'd do anything to hear it from you, with just the friendly meaning behind it. I do not hope or even wish for more. But just to hear you say that back to me.. I'd cry of happiness, and I'd jump for joy. Anything, anything, to hear you say it. I love you.

Hmm

I'm not sure that I have something to say, or if I'm thinking anything, other than 'Why the hell am I wasting time doing stuff like this when I could be studying for my upcoming HL exams?' Meh. I'll live. I hope. My tablet's being gay, and so's my slow-ass internet.

The end.

I can't be bothered to update.

ARGH

Days like these remind me why I created this blog.

Okay. Number 1: I started going to JAC again, after afterwatched Confessions of A Shopaholic and I love movies which you don't expect anything from, but turn out to be really good. This movie really made me laugh out loud in the cinema quite a fair bit, and it was even more enjoyable because everyone in the audience laughed with me.

Number 2: After the movie I called Joe [I had a missed call from him] and OH MY FUCKING GOD. It's ALWAYS like this. "You don't care.. I don't need care. You don't love me.. I love you anyway." Okay firstly, did I ever stop caring? Clearly he thinks that I don't care anymore. And this isn't the first time. In fact this argument has gotten so old that I'm sick and tired of hearing it. I know the flow of the conversation - I'm used to it. And really, how come Esther knows more about how Joe feels than I do?

THIS is exactly why I need a friend. Yes, I need a friend. There's a big difference boyfriend/hubby/SO/whatever and a FRIEND. There's a HUGE difference there. I need someone I can talk to, someone I can rely on as much as I can rely on Joe. Like tonight. I can't exactly say to Joe "Yeah, he's pissing the shits out of me right now, we're having that conversation again blah blah". Yeah that's right. I want someone to complain to. But you know why it's so hard to do that? Because everyone knows Joe. And I don't want to tell them. I wish Joe was my secret boyfriend that no one knew of. I know, I'm greedy. But if he were still my secret mysterious boyfriend of 1.5 years, then I'd still be talking about him every single day to every single person who crossed my path. No kidding.

*sigh* To add to this, I've got a serious problem with my back/hip. It really hurts if I crouch even the slightest bit. It feels like I've got a broken bone in there or something..

Princeton

I've decided. I'm going to study neurosciences at Princeton University. Well, that's what I'm aiming for. I thought one of my biggest problems would be finances, but according to their website, they are a need blind school, and offer full-need financial service, even to international students. So I guess that's out of the way. I wasn't sure what I wanted to study.. In fact I was even starting to get worried, because I didn't see anything when I thought of my future. It just looked empty. I just went out everyday and played and didn't work at all. But then I began to face reality, and I decided to stick to my dream of 2 years [back in grades 7-8] of becoming a neurologist. In fact, if a friend of mine hadn't told me that I was required to perform surgery then I probably wouldn't have been so turned off by the idea of studying mental disorders and diagnosing patients with neural infections and so on. I'm still not quite sure whether I will be required to perform surgery in the future or not. Hopefully not, but I guess life's life and in the end it's just a job. Sure it's a person's life in my hands but.. if I study hard enough it shouldn't be a problem. Right? Right.

It took a while finding a university that I liked. I first went here to see the Top 100 Universities around the world. Harvard and Yale were the top two - that's to be expected. But I don't really want to go to Harvard [as crazy as that sounds.. who DOESN'T want to go?] but it seems as if the pressure to do well would be a bit much, and I don't know.. There's just SOMETHING about Harvard University. So I went through the list, visiting probably half of the universities listed there. I was most interested in housing and financial aid. Because really, all the rest will be the same everywhere - courses and so on. Yonsei seems like a really university, but it's in Korea.. and I'm not so sure whether I want to go to Korea for university. Sure, I'd like to visit, but what if the courses were in Korean? I wouldn't understand a thing. I visited the sites of ANU, Duke, John Hopkins, Cambridge.. You name it. I've been there [most probably].

I'm so happy because now I have something to work towards. I'm not just doing IB because I felt like it. I'm doing it with purpose, and I've decided to start working really hard towards my goal. Okay well I haven't done much so far.. In fact I'm pretty behind in all my school work. But I'll catch up.

Speaking of school, I took at IQ test today. An online one. I know they're not accurate, but I tried this one: www.iqtest.dk and I got a score of 135. I think that's pretty damn good. But as they always say, online IQ tests aren't accurate. Well, I think it's time that I start working towards my future!!!! PRINCETON, HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Solomon

[First part deleted]

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm incapable of forming questions without having to try. I wonder if.. I don't go that "deep" in my thoughts; if I don't quite reach that higher level of processing that other people seem to be able to achieve. I have a lot of trouble processing poems and putting things into words. When someone says something, I understand what they mean no matter how complex the sentence. But when someone asks me to explain, I become stuck and suddenly my mind freezes. Similarly if someone asks me to explain a basic concept, idea, etc [in maths, science, english, work, you name it] I know the answer and yet.. When I think too hard and long on it, I begin to derail from my train of thoughts. It's really annoying.. Particularly in subjects like english. Because it means that I can't display that depth of knowledge in which they search for while marking the essays. *sigh* Oh well.. I guess practise makes perfect, and it's never too late to start anything!!

Tiredness

I'm so tired right now that my brain has failed me.. I think it's stopped functioning. Almost. It's barely running on this really low level of energy, kind of like the furthest energy level in an orbital of an atom. If that even makes sense. I don't even know anymore. I'm feeling so DEAD. Like a dead fish. I always compare everything to fish.. like Paul's lips.

Blah Blah

No more energy left to comment on how I'm feeling ..

ha...haaaa

[Deleted]

힘들다

힘들다.. 너무 힘들어. 난 그냥 애라는걸 알어. 그레서 날 말하고싶지않은 사람 많다는것도 다알어..
나도.. 사랑받고싶단말이야. 왜 나만 사랑받지못한 사람같지? 내가 엽기인가?

가나다라마바사 아자차카타파하

심심하다..

같이 대화할사람도 없다...

찾아봐도없다...

왜 없을까?

나랑 같이예기 나누고싶은 사람 없을까??

Am I JUST a teen?

Now after thinking [for about 10 minutes] I'm wondering whether all this confusion is stemmed from growing up. Puberty. Adolescence. Just being a teen. Surely I can't be the only person who feels confined to a tiny grey box with a tiny peephole at the top? No, that can't be right. Maybe it's just a phase that I'll pass through, get over, look back and think "Wow what a fucked up child I was.. But it's alright, I was just a kid".

I want to start afresh. I want to be born again. I want to relive the joys of being a child. Because my biggest worry would probably peeing my pants from being too excited. I want to visit the days where I could be invited to mini tea parties, and pretend to be adults. But we're still just kids. I want to learn how to swim, and I want to be taught how to ride a bicycle. I want to be the special one - the unblamed, wanted child. I'm so sick of being pushed around because I'm too afraid to voice my opinions. What I think. How I feel. Because I'm scared of rejection. I don't want them to think any worse of whatever image they may currently have of me.

Wow I seem like such an insecure attention seeking bitch. Okay screw the bitch part. But I feel like a lost puppy. An orphan. A fly in a spider's web. All at once. lol Maybe I think too much.. And just MAYBE I'm blogging too much and relying on this site to relieve me of my stress. But hey, what's wrong with doing that.. That's the exact reason why I created it in the first place.

Is anybody out there?

[Deleted]

'Happiness'

[Deleted]

Hello World

This blog was created with the intentions of trying to clear my mind of all the mess and clutter inside.. So if you're reading it, you now have my permission to close it IMMEDIATELY - unless you really want to see what I'm thinking, which is highly unlikely.