No.

I know I've made plenty enough mistakes and I know that I'm often stupid. But sometimes I just can't help it. It's like there's something eating away at me.. I can't seem to let go. So once again I logged into Joseph's email account because I was curious. And I saw that he had written a lengthy email to Solomon.

I felt guilty as I opened it, prying in on his now private life.

Oh what a mistake I made.

I thought, that for a second as I read the email that maybe this was Joe's message to me.. He still loves me. And as I neared the end of the email, I came to a realization that it was truly over. Oh, what a fool I am.

Are you reading this now Joe?

I really hope you're not.

Because I feel like a fucked up bitch who's screwed herself over and over again.

It seems that the only times I actually feel something is when I think of you. I remember how you called me numb a few nights ago. For a while, I denied it, but I think it's true. I don't feel emotions. Or rather, I don't feel the emotions that I'd like to.

It all seems so pointless. This hope - why do I even carry it? I have no right to; and yet, I can't seem to be able to let it go. Maybe it's because it has been there for so long.

Sometimes, I wonder.. Am I still loving you on my own?

I wish I could get into a car crash and develop amnesia.. and not be able to remember anything. I guess that'd kind of be like a reset button to my life. I wonder how that would feel.